Article: Children Who Are Hard to Love

When a child is hard to love because of difficult behavior, it can be a heartbreaking situation for a parent. But there are many ways you can improve the situation. With a little patience, you will find it much easier to love your difficult child.

First of all, remember that a disciplined child requires disciplined parents. As hard as it can be, you must keep your own emotions in check, or you'll just make things worse. This is a challenge for anyone, but keep reminding yourself that it's the only way to resolve the problem. Dealing with a difficult child requires that you model the behavior you want him to follow. If you tell him what you want but model something else, it's a losing battle.

You must also be consistent and stick to your guns. Don't say you're going to take away television privileges unless you fully intend to do so. Set rules that are specific and clear. If your child can read, write them down and post them prominently. Let there be no question as to the behavior that you won't tolerate, and be clear about your punishments as well. Be firm, but don't shout. Take a deep breath and count to 10 if you must. The more you stay in control, the easier it will be to control your child's bad behavior. Try to make a deal with your child about the rules, and shake on it. If he feels it's a collaboration, he won't have to fight with you as much.

Devise rewards for good behavior, but not too many that are gift oriented. You want your child to want to behave well and to find reasons for doing so other than simply to get more toys.

Be very specific when instructing your child about good and bad behavior. Rather than saying, "Don't be so messy," give specific instructions about where toys should be put away. If the behavior persists, such as talking back, maintain a no tolerance policy. One sentence of talking back, and it's a time out. If your child called you a name or used a bad word, tell her to say it over and over during the entire time out. This may make her so tired of the word that she'll never utter it again. Model for your child a better way of communicating with you. Tell her that she will be much more likely to get what she wants if she asks you nicely. Emphasize that you don't say "no" without a good reason. Demonstrate how the tone of voice can make a big difference by repeating back what she says in her tone and then saying it again in a kinder tone. Be careful not to mock her, however!

Remember that often, a difficult child is trying to get your attention in a negative way. If you reward the negative behavior with attention, it will continue. A time out during this behavior is a way to stop, calm down, and not give attention – positive or negative – as a result of the bad behavior. When the child does something positive, you can then reward the good behavior with positive attention.

No matter how bad the behavior, you must praise your children profusely when they behave well. This positive reinforcement has been proven to work best with kids. It teaches them to recognize what behavior is acceptable.

Your child will actually feel safer if she knows you're able to control her behavior. Limits and discipline will help her to feel more secure. No matter how badly your child may be behaving, she doesn't want to continue down this negative spiral. She simply doesn't know an alternative. It's up to you to show her, and you can use her own desire to be better – despite how much she may initially resist it – to your advantage.

Rather than focusing on the bad, for example, look for the things your child loves and build on those things. If your son loves Sponge Bob, for example, try to connect with him by watching the show and commenting on what happened in an episode. Develop a rapport in any way you can. Offer your child opportunities to be good. You might say, "I could really use some help setting the table tonight. Could you do that for me? I would really appreciate it."

If your child's behavior is severe, you will no doubt need to get professional help. If there has been some trauma in the family such as a divorce or a death, keep in mind that your child's behavior may be a coping mechanism. Anger and aggression can be a natural byproduct of a traumatic experience. Professionals know how to deal with the emotional backlash of trauma and can usually help your child without the need for medication. Sometimes, however, medication is required to control behavior caused by chemical imbalances. Be sure to read about nutrition and try dietary changes first, as well as making sure your child is getting enough sleep. All of these factors can contribute to behavioral problems. Medication should definitely be a last resort, but in some cases, it's absolutely necessary and the best thing you can do for your child.

Whatever you do, don't expect change to happen overnight. Be patient, and don't lose hope. Of course, if your child's behavior is dangerous, you will need to get help immediately. Otherwise, you can try to rectify the situation yourself at first. Give it at least a few weeks, and don't be embarrassed to seek support and advice from other parents. No child is without some problem behaviors, so any parent who pretends their children are angels is indeed pretending. Behavioral issues of one kind or another are simply a part of growing up.

Tip of the Week: Be kind to yourself as well. Try not to blame yourself for your child's behavior. Even if you believe you've made parenting mistakes, remember that no parent is perfect. Simply focus on doing what you can to rectify the situation.

I hope you enjoyed this article.