Article: Attention Seekers

A child's desire for the attention of adults and other kids is perfectly normal. Who doesn't love attention? It's only when the attention seeking causes disruption at home or at school that you need to take action.

If you have a toddler, there certainly isn't anything to worry about if you often hear, "Look at me!" All toddlers want to show off new skills and be recognized for their achievements. It's a perfectly natural part of their development, and there's no reason to worry about lavishing your young one with the attention he craves. In fact, the more positive attention you give a child before the age of five, the less likely he will turn into a problematic attention seeker. Of course, this doesn't mean you should drop everything every time your child wants your attention. This isn't possible or necessary.

If you point out to your little one how her new skill makes her feel good, it will turn the attention back on her own sense of satisfaction. This teaches your child that her personal happiness is even more important than your approval. You could say, "Don't you feel proud that you've learned how to tie your shoe?" You can certainly express your own pride as well, but letting her know her own feelings about her achievements are important will give her a strong sense of self.

As children grow toward school age and become socialized, most of them learn the rules of behavior quickly by observation, as well as trial and error. They discover that it's inappropriate to say "look at me" in the middle of class or to interrupt at church. However, sometimes, a child's need for attention overrides her knowledge that these behaviors are out of place. This is when you will need to take action, but the kind of action you take is crucial.

The Reasons for Attention Seeking Behavior

Before we discuss how to handle attention seeking behavior, let's explore what might cause your child to behave this way. First of all, there are almost as many reasons as there are children, and it's important not to blame yourself if your child is "acting out." Even if you made some mistake that contributed to the behavior, you're human, and the important thing is to stay focused on the remedy. It's also simply a truth that some children crave more attention than others.

One of the more common reasons a child might resort to attention seeking behavior is a feeling of powerlessness. This can be brought on by a trauma such as divorce, a death, or an accident. In this case, your little one simply needs some extra attention during the healing time.

Your child may have received plenty of positive reinforcement at home, only to find that she is teased and treated badly by classmates. If she doesn't feel that she fits in, she may resort to attention seeking behavior to try to compensate for her loss of self-esteem.

In all cases, disruptive attention seeking is an attempt at feeling better about oneself. That's why it's very important not to tear down the child's self-esteem further, which will only make the situation worse. You can try to talk with your child to find out what's going on. But young children often have difficulty articulating their feelings. If attempts at discussion are unsuccessful, think about your child's talents and how you can encourage him to excel. You may need to help him find an activity that will give him a sense of pride.

Nipping the Behavior in the Bud

Whatever you do, NEVER reward negative attention seeking behavior by giving in. Take a breath, and keep your cool no matter how angry or embarrassed you may feel! If you give your child what she wants as a result of a tantrum, you will only get more tantrums. Ignoring the behavior sometimes works since you are certainly not giving in to the manipulation.

Rather than giving your child attention as a result of negative behavior, focus on praising her for good behavior. This will give your child clues as to what actions will bring the desired results. If she fails to exhibit any good behavior that you can praise, offer suggestions. You might say, "You know, Honey, I would be so grateful to you if you helped me set the table tonight. I would really appreciate that." Then, be sure to offer hugs and "I love yous" at times when your child is calm and not misbehaving. This will give him or her the needed attention, but NOT as a reward for behaving badly.

If the bad behavior persists, you may have to discipline your child with consequences. "If you disrupt the church service, you won't be allowed to play with your friends in the afternoon." A time-out in the middle of the bad behavior is also sometimes helpful. Treat it less as punishment (which only offers negative attention for negative behavior) than an opportunity to stop the behavior and calm down. Firmly instruct your child to sit quietly for a few minutes and think about the behavior. Can she come up with a better way to get what she wants? Can she think of something that might work better? You can even offer your child alternatives to the attention seeking behavior: "If you want me to pay attention to you, just ask me. Tell me exactly what you'd like – a hug, encouragement, etc." This teaches your child that directness is okay, especially with family members.

Explain what behavior is inappropriate and what is appropriate. Be loving but firm when you tell your child that this behavior will not be tolerated. Then, offer alternatives.

Of course, if your efforts fail, you may need to seek professional help, but this is rarely required, as the attention seeking behavior is usually just a phase. A little extra love and positive attention almost always does the trick.

Remember that no matter how negative the attention seeking behavior may be, your child is looking for POSITIVE attention. Love is what he needs, whether he knows it or not, and if you do nothing but criticize him, the behavior will certainly continue. You will need to set limits and let him know what behavior is unacceptable, but the only way to change that behavior is to fulfill his need to feel better about himself. Find as many ways as you can to encourage your child to behave well. Give him activities that bring out his best talents, and praise him when he does well.

Tip of the Week:

If your child exhibits a new behavior that's disruptive, consider that it could be an attention seeking attempt. Take the opportunity to give your child more praise at bedtime or when she's being good. This should soon alleviate the bad behavior.